Five Rare Times That Ianto Jones Swears
by Ianto'sCoffeeMinion
Summary: Basically what the title entails. A list of five times that Ianto Jones has used an expletive. The idea came from the name of the first chapter in James Goss' Almost Perfect Torchwood novel; one of my favourites. Coffee, Suits, Pets, and more! Janto!


**Ianto isnt one for foul language. Sure he had a very dirty mouth where Jack is concerned, but something really has to piss him off in order for him to use an expletive. They are as follows:**

•When Ianto smashes Jack's stripey blue mug when he was washing up.  
Fuck. Jack decides to sneak through the beaded curtains (how he  
managed that Ianto is yet to find out) and snakes his arms around his  
waist just when Ianto is about to put the cup on the rack to dry.  
Bastard. He cursed himself for not noticing it was Jack sooner- the  
pheromones should have given it away, but Ianto had been on edge all  
morning since he came in to find a Ratlifoxian playing shot-put with  
Owen's medical equipment (which he is yet to replace after he finds a  
suitable supplier) after finding out it didn't taste nice, despite its  
shiny look. Ianto found a replacement mug, although, despite the  
Captain saying it was an exact replica. He begs to differ.

•Ianto was cleaning out Mfanway's nest; hay (yes hay, she seemed to  
find it surprisingly comforting and warm) scraps of food, Jack's  
Frisbee, and Mfanway's stools (in which he found remnants of Yvonne -  
The cat that Jack had given a home within Torchwood after a low energy  
cluster shot the cat like lightening and it started to glow blue  
whenever it was happy. "Eurgh. That is fucking gross. Poor kitty".

Ianto had his suspicions that Mfanway had something to do with its  
disappearance since she thought that Jack was playing favourites  
between Hub Pets (which Ianto had scolded him about). It seems she had  
a jealously streak, but Jack put it down to her being territorial.  
Which was fine for him to say when he was sat drinking coffee in his  
office while Ianto tried to keep his breakfast down after seeing giant  
fleshy hair balls and a cat skull. Poor Yvonne. Although she could be  
very cunning, she probably was teasing Mfanway before she was turned  
into a Chinese delicacy. If only the Yvonne Hartman could have gone  
the same way, then Ianto wouldn't have had to put up with her constant  
demands for years. He laughed. Jack would also see the funny side.

•The gang had been playing basketball...again. He had just made a new  
batch of coffee with the new Arabica coffee beans he had imported from  
Colombia after wanting to try something new. Sure, his normal Robusta  
blend was okay for the odd latte and cappuccino, but when it came to  
his espresso's and Jack's Americano (He found the analogy funny too)  
he found that it was bland and didn't have to kick that continental  
coffee had. He always wanted to grow his own coffee beans but the  
climate in Cardiff..well...that left much to be desired.

So anyway, he was walking through the cog door, the lights and noise  
of the 10 tonne door opening should have alerted his presence- should  
being the operative word. Owen tried dirty tactics and tried to bat  
the ball out of Tosh's hand (which she didn't entirely object to,  
seeing as Owen was getting up-close and personal) but Owen being Owen,  
he knocked the ball from the wrong side. It flew to the left. Hit the  
tray of coffees in his hand perfectly and resulted in them being  
splashed all over him and scalding his chest; not to mention staining  
his new red shit and ruining his suit. Ianto yelped. sighed. "Fuck  
Sake!".

•Ianto's sister Rhiannon had phoned him on his mobile one morning to  
invite him to Mica's first school play. She knew he was a workaholic  
civil servant but they invented the weekends! Ianto had stayed in  
Jack's bunker last night, and in a battle of ripping each others  
clothes off as quickly and humanely as they could, Ianto's phone had  
fallen out of his pocket and had long since been forgotten in the heat  
of the moment, he didn't even hear it hit the ground. The next day  
Ianto got up early as usual to make everything ready, do a bit of  
cleaning, feed the residents, then make coffee. He had a change of  
clothes in the locker but still picked up his clothes in the dark  
(using his amazing eidetic memory) and placed them in a bag for dry  
cleaning. Little did he know that Jack was awoken by the vibrations,  
thinking Ianto had found a new alien sex toy in the archives. After a  
fair few minutes of telling Ianto to 'cut it out!' Jack opened his  
eyes to see his sister picture flashing on the screen...and who was  
the captain if not to pry into his colleges private lives?.

Jack spent the whole morning informing her all about her brothers  
kinks and agreeing when she said 'He's always fussing about his bloody  
coffee! Not that I'm complaining". After ten minutes discussing where  
on earth he got those talents, the subject changed to how good he was  
in bed and a couple of embarrassing stories where traded. When Jack  
slipped up and mentioned a couple Ianto got it out of him. "The  
incorrigible bitch". Bastard didn't do it justice, and bitch..well,  
bitch made it funnier, especially considering from now on he was  
Ianto's bitch. Ianto was left red faced and angry. Every time he goes  
to eat noodles jack snorts at him and they come through his  
nose...that story will remain between them if Jack values his balls.

•Ianto had always said he had a good eye; his dad was a 'Master  
Tailor'...or so he says. Ianto was at Alejandro's, home of good suits,  
great quality shirts, and exquisite ties. His old shop had gone out of  
business a couple of weeks ago seeing as he was their only customer.  
He was livid. Don't all men pride themselves in their appearance like  
himself? Clearly not. So Ianto was forced to find a new suitters. He  
passed its window one day and he felt that it was appropriate, he was  
in need of a new pair of trousers (tight trousers, tailored very tight  
around his best asset, his ass) to make Jacks mouth fall open  
everytime he walked passed or bent down to retrieve something. He got  
a strange amount of satisfaction in playing to Jack's indignant  
sexuality to anything that moved.

Most of his suit trousers had been ruined over the course of the  
month; some were covered in alien slime that didn't seem to go. No  
matter how many times he washed/scrubbed them, the slime just  
multiplied. He was forced to throw them away. Others had holes in and  
wear and tear on the knees from both cleaning and extra-curricular  
activities with a certain Captain. Ianto sighed. He only had one pair  
left and they were the ones he was wearing.

He walked into the shop, not having time to get measured seeing as  
Jack took it upon himself to inform him by phone at that exact moment  
that Janet was loose (he wouldn't comment as to how) and said that she  
took great pleasure in annoying Mfanway. The only one Mfanway bonded  
with was Ianto and he was needed urgently unless he wanted to be  
sewing up holes and gapes in Jack's clothes in his spare time.

Jack was still chatting away of the phone when Ianto was writing down  
the his leg measurements for his new trousers. Jack took that moment  
to ask about facts and figures on the weevil population, which Ianto  
obliged half hartedly and for some reason wrote down one of the  
numbers by mistake. When he went to pick his newly tailored trousers  
the next day he found the leg length to be very short, way above his  
ankles. "That's all I fucking need". The shop assistant explained  
there was nothing he could do, that Mr. Jones had written down those  
exact measurements and he was only following them. Ianto ordered a  
couple of new pairs to be made with the new, correct measurements-  
which he double, triple checked and was forced to wear the ankle  
swingers to work, much to his work-mates hilarity.

He was so embarrassed that he took to wearing jeans for that day, and  
felt very improper. Not that Jack was complaining. His arse always  
looked great in anything he was wearing.


End file.
